Feeling sensitive right now. I am tired from a couple nights of drinking and poor sleep. Lost a significant relationship to me. Learning boundaries, learning my needs, learning that God gives me only what I can handle. I feel a change happening. School is around the corner. I have some important deadlines looming until next thursday. I am capable. I can handle these challenges. I can excel at them.
Today I had my physical therapy visit. I gave her an update on my progress, and she gave me some new movements to try. I had a sense last week that I want to be 100%. I want to move at 100%. I think we subconsciously drink, indulge and entertain, without understanding it’s impact. As you get older, you get to points where indulgences overlap. I remember how excited I was the first time I drank alcohol. I drank too much, but it was enough. Now I find myself needing a cigarette to get an extra buzz. I need to stack more to feel more. How do I return to innocence and purity? When does that become enough? I think that’s why it is said that you need to hit rock bottom. Purity must be a necessity. Society making us wait until we are old enough. Then once you are an “adult”, its a free for all. You are left to learn from your own mistakes. Fair enough.
Well, I am seeing where this all leads. To the gutter. Or a fine line between bliss and agony. I feel bad for people like Elvis, Jimi Hendrix, Matthew Perry. Whatever there vice, there was never enough. What can we learn? What purpose do I need to live my best life?